Tuesday, October 09, 2012

gold dead/broken fish

abood turned 4.. hes in KG now and both of us are doing our best at growing up .. trying to face what comes our way the best way possible. im learning soo much from him..  a long way is still ahead of me but its just very difficult at times.

today was one of those days .. where i was faced with a big lesson.. one that i wasnt and i dont think ill ever want to be ready for. abood had 4 gold fish as pets hed count them every day ... and feed them .. they dont have names theyre just his orange 4 fish.
this morning one of his orange fishes stopped swimming ..
he looked at it as it was floating .. looked at me and said "fish not swimming?"
i was silent for a moment .. didnt know what to say .. hes only 4 .. he doesn't know the word "Death" i dont want him to know this word! not now .. i dont want his innocence and happiness smeared with this dark concept of life and death
i looked at him and said "abood im sorry but the fish is broken"
he insisted we fix it .. and i kept telling him that it cant be fixed . we have to say goodbye to our broken fish.. he looked so sad .. he didnt want to say good bye ..
he then looked at me again and said "call doctor" "listen heart"
i wanted to cry .. i put him down away from the fish tank .. and asked to have it removed.. thats when he started crying.. insisting we take it to the doctor so he would listen to its heart and have it fixed.
i walked away.. in hopes that if i ignore the matter he will simply forget.
3 hours later he comes to me .. with a sad puppy face .. and says "mommy wheres broken fish"
i hated myself .. i had no idea what to do .. but thats how we grow up .. we get hurt and with that pain we discover new things in life.. so the pain has a reason, this is normal .. i should just let him understand that sometimes things we love get broken and theres nothing we can do to bring them back.right?

i caved in at the end.

got him a new one.. put it in the tank, he thanked me.. because "mommy fixed it".