Thursday, May 18, 2006

Touch me again



I look at it, I touch it, but I can't feel anything, so I scratch it.
My nail pressing, going up and down, pressing
Why cant I feel it anymore, and why the hell is it raining?

I look at her, her smile! There's something special about her smile
I try to feel her again, try and remember how it used to feel
I'm still scratching, harder and harder, and still its raining
I miss it

I miss her smile, something special bout her smile
Oh my god, I really miss her skin
Her hair, her voice, her words …
Why cant I have all of it back again?

I miss her smile, something special bout her smile, something rare
No voice could be warmer, no hands could be gentler, no hair could be darker
No eyes could be calmer, no heart could be kinder, no smile could be as real!
A very honest smile, a happy smile, "you know there is a child living in her soul,
In her eyes", a dear friend once told me.

I miss our fights, the ugly times
I miss the teasing and tickling, the stroking and touching
I miss the fights and arguments and worrying… (I was such a b****)
Real, very real

I'm still scratching, but nothing.
A memory, is a cruel thing, it can give you back everything,
You can remember the scent, smell, look, taste and voice
A memory would never give you back the sense of touch.

So I keep scratching harder

Now I realize,
No matter how much and hard i scratch
She wont come back
i will never touch again, hug again, kiss again
It will never feel any different
It will always be just as cold, just as dark
No more sunlight
No more wings
No more skin

I do feel the wetness of the rain
The scratching of my nail
Rain streaming down my eyes, through my eyelashes
Cheeck to my chin, nose and neck falling..
The picture is wet!
I do feel the wetness I do feel the paper
I do see the smile, the eyes and the hair
But I don’t feel her. I cant.

I just miss it

Even thought she had the most beautiful smile I will ever see
Or remember ..
Looking at it, remembering it,
Can only make me cry.

I love you,
I know your looking down on me from up there
Some where … up there .. Smiling
ur smile is real, my pain is real.

Pain looking me right in the face, right here.

I miss you Mommy, I really
do.

26 comments:

Dr.Lost said...

:(

Dr.Lost said...

im literally about to tear.. im sorry for ur loss, and i cant say i know what ur goin thru coz i dont.. wish there was somethin i can do for u..

No3iK said...

... !
im sorry. i dont know why i wrote this
im sure i dont want u guys to feel bad.
but today i almost lost it, i think i wrote it with out thinking .

what u did was gr8,
u dont know me, but still u felt something. and that is just kind :)
thank you very much.

MSB said...

Allah Yer7amha.. so sorry for ur loss. very moving post... so real and the emotions jump off the page at u.

May God continue to give you the strength to move forward and carry the happy memories in ur heart. She left a great person behind.

:(

No3iK said...

msb

i can feel ur emotions jumping from ur reply, few words but they do mean alot :)

thanks again.

hope my post would help u guys learn to appreciate having ur mothers around :)
allah e`7alehum likum inshalah ya rub :*

welcome to my blog .

MSB said...

thanks.. & al7mdla, i do appreciate my mother very very much.. i love her to death! she's my idol. the same way i love her mother/my grandmother, who happens to be the only grandparent i ever met/got to know. The other 3 died when i was too young to remember. Allah Yer7amhom o Yer7am amwat elmuslimeen ajma3een.

but ur right.. sometimes we don't realize that we do (or don't do) things which in the future we regret. As we can't turn back time, we should never let a moment be wasted.

thanks for the post!

Zalabya said...

That's life.. cruel most of the times

I know i will never have someone alike .. and i will never have him back.. my brother allah yer7uma
im not sorry for ur mother alah yer7umha wala my brother ra7mat alah 3alaihom both o amwatna ajma3een.. erta7aw men el denya o ele feeha .. allah yejma3na feehom inshallah

talking about inner feelings is very good and its a miracle benesba ley .. i appreciate ur post dear

BitterSweet said...

I'm really sorry for you loss No3ik!

Please, don't appologize! We should thank you for your valuable advice and touching poem. You're right, we should cherish those we love, most important our moms. Before you know it, they could be gone...

Allah yirhamha wi ghammed roo7ha iljanna insha'allah.

No3iK said...

zalabya:
sure, i think u know how it feels, but still a mother is diffrent, specialy when ur young, 22 :)
never see ur grads days, ur first job, ur weding, ur kids, ur new hair cut .... many many things
we do inlife so that our mothers would be happy :) i will never get the chance to give her any of that :*
3ala goltich ohma yrta70n mn aldinya wi7na nit3ab 3la fraghom.


bitter:
thank you bro. im glad u got the message :) give ur mom a big kiss today .

romanticeros said...

bint a7ebha kether ednya galat7aky 3war galby galat feelings 2lmat joufy,bs bcoze u have the brave 2 discrived this deepest feeling of loosing someone close itkink u r strong enogh 2 handle it,u know ena elperson elly 3la 6ool b3ad ur mam belive in u and in ur amazing soul is me la w u know ena ana ma astalhem wma a7es bel hope ellamn el 2 or 3days elly ispend it with u twise in the year by looking into ur eyes reading how i'm i takeing step y step 4 being agood lady that and my mam can be proud of her ???!! lol i'm always n amood of feelings specially with u lool u can understand ana akteb the ladies voise in khobar lol shrayek elbnat samoony feeh cute bs gilt lhom ana khobar ladies pen akthar mn voice ezebda nerja3 minged try me touh me lol la jd wala yemken a7bech kethra 9a7 ana mo 7elwa kthrha bs shway 7elwa lol

NuNu™ said...

So sorry for your loss.. I feel for you =(

No3iK said...

oh my god !! ur actually writing in my blog ???
lol awal shay
7aya allah ahl alkhobar
o 7ayal allah shai5at albanat
7beeebty :*
i miss so much. i thank you 3la ur pure pure honest feeling, u know thats what ilove about u ;)

ur the voice of banat alkhobar now ha!! thats just gr8 a big responsibilty i know u will handle well. im proud of u :)

i know u know how i feel cause u actually knew my mother, thank you for ur support 7bebty.
welcome to my blog and mabrok 3la ur blog to :p best of luck. aloly.

nunu:
dear nnunu mashkora 7bebty :*

Tinkerbell said...

the last line had me in tears :( i'm so sorry for ur loss darling and may u carry the wonderfull memories with u..i'm sure she's very proud of u up there..beautifull post :)

No3iK said...

:)
thanks bells, u have a big heart, u know that right :D

Tinkerbell said...

hehe ba3ad 3umry don't know about big but i have a few vacancies if any1's interested ;)

eng.fahad said...

slam ...

ymken elayam tmr w tro7 bs elom mhma kant mkantha 93b wayed ena nnsa mkantha

w b9matha fena
7ta hl shi allah akda lna bwayed ashia2
mst7eeel ena n9ef sh3orna w a7sasna etjaha

ed3e lha blr7ma hatha a7san min thkrha w t3theb elnafs
lanha ehya 7ash fekm w bqrbkm doom ed3o ...

wala tfkren byom ena ytheg 9dresh ...
etha mo 3lshankom 3lshanha



see ya soon mamato

No3iK said...

eng.fahad

thank u bro for the beautiful thoughts.
i do agree with what u say, but somwthings are easy said than done.

they say time heals all, so im keeping my fingers crossed.
thanks.

ZiZoTiMe said...

ohhhh :(

Sorry wallah to hear that

amazing thing from you to write about her... I felt everything on your post

Nothing we can do about this... Allah yer7amha

If I was a girl I would say I'm your mom from now... But sorry I can't help ;)

Really ta7a6amt when I read the post... Hard speach from you girl o enshalah you'll meet her in heaven :)

No3iK said...

oooooooooooh zizo !
i never knew ur so cute :p
thanks for the offer bro, lol imagine u being my mother hehehehee

thanks alot, i really wish ill meet her in heaven, thats the only thing im hoping for :)

bo6a6a said...

allah yer7amha :(
this is very touching post..
alla y9aber qalbch w qloob kl ely fqedw a7ad 3aziz 3alaihom

No3iK said...

bo6a6a :* ameeen
thanks :)

Sedna said...

I'm tearing...Very touching.

Allah yer7amha oo y9abrech inshalla. May her soul rest in peace

cosimfree911 said...

alaaah yer7amhaa inshalaaa

walaa adree eshloan 7asaa anaa towafaa alwald gabl 2 years oo walaa sa3at a7es enny ga9art weyaah lanee kent adrees braa oo maga3dt weyaah wayed bs alaah kaream alaah yer7aamhom fee ra7meetaa inshalaa

walaa zain sawity ketabty traa alwa7ed a7san ey6al3 masha3raa laa ya7beshaa da5laa
and we will be here for you :) 3alaa 6ool ;)

No3iK said...

sedna, thank u very much, o allah yir7amna agma3en inshale same ah
:) welcome to my blog

cosim : u r so sweet.
we watched vendetta on the same time, and we lost aloved one also the same time, alah yir7am obok inshalah i lost my mother two years ago also. bs al7imdela we were together all the time, its like i knew i was going to lose her.
al7imdela 3la kl 7al :)
thank u very much ;) ur a gem.

Si7LeYa said...

ylmjrmaaaaa 3wrty glby :(

No3iK said...

wsmila 3ala galbich :*